As I alluded to earlier this week, the life of a blog friend has been touched by tragedy.
More than touched. Shattered.
It's not my story to tell.
It's not my pain to express.
Not my loved one lost.
Despite this, I cannot help but acknowledge that today, this friend will brace herself for one of the toughest jobs a human can face.
She will attend the funeral of her husband.
...
I cannot imagine (and to be honest, am trying desperately hard not to imagine) what she is going through today. It's something I cannot bear to walk through in my own mind.
Yet, I want her to know that I will help in whatever small way I can.
Especially today.
...
I was initially nervous of mentioning the shattering event that has so changed the life of this lovely woman and her young family. And despite her grief, she sent an email that assured me 'there are very few wrong things people CAN say and even when they do, I know what they mean'. She went on to say how important she felt it was 'so important that people keep me talking and engaged in life'.
And so this is what I will try to do.
Keep on living and invite her to be part of that.
Even while part of me wants to stop everything for this person,
a woman I have only ever known as Corymbia.
My awful initial uncertainty about how to respond made me wonder:
What IS the right thing to do?
What IS the right thing to say?
When is enough TOO much?
And when is it not enough?
...
If you have experienced this kind of tragedy, what did you need from others?
Please, share your wisdom or experience or advice here.
(Because I know so many of you are way wiser than I.)
She will read this.
Maybe not today, but soon.
And all I have to offer her is you.
17 comments:
Your a great blog mate BB - death is so tragic and it's always hard to know what is the "right" thing to say or do.
My brother died suddenly at age 23. I was 25. A call in the middle of the night to let me know. I was now an only child - two parents horrified and a Mum who just couldn't comprehend. The ONLY thing that saved me - my friends rallying around to hold me up so I could help my folks get through it. A hug when I needed it the most; a shoulder to sob my heart out on; great conversations of rememberance;a cheery note to read when I needed it the most.
I think being honest is the right thing to do. Showing your concern and love is the right thing to do. You always say the right thing when it comes from your heart.
No one wants to feel smothered or incompetent but sincere sympathy and love does help your heart.
When is it not enough? The pain isn't gone after the funeral. Being there in the weeks and months that follow when she is trying to get her life back together. It matters more than people can imagine.
I am so sorry for your friend. Consider this an enormous virtual hug for her. My heart grieves for her and her family and I pray she can find the strength to go forward and that her wonderful memories will sustain her through this.
I think that the right thing to do is simply to stay in touch. Simply send e-mails if that's all you can do. Don't expect a response. It may take a while for our Corymbia to get to the point where she can write again, but until then, we give her our words, our love, and we do this for however long our Corymbia needs us to do so.
Listen, no matter how difficult it becomes. Let her know she is NOT alone. Grief never gets "better", or "goes away". Time may heal all wounds but it still leaves a scar. Go browsing thru a christian book store for books on grief. picking up a book on the psychology of grief may help this person to understand why they are feeling something they are too afraid to talk about with someone.
pray with and for this person. (I will)
signed
Theresa in Alberta
Oh no that is terrible. Thanks for sharing BB. I thought Corymbia was just having a blog break, I didn't realise her husband had died.
I am a bit shell shocked from reading this but when I pull myself together, I will email her some kind words.
And to answer your question on what you need from others. I personally found I didn't need much from others, but to know they were thinking of me and were there when and if I needed them was enough.
Your friend is very fortunate to have friends who care. It is so important to know there are good people who have your back.
On a side note: Sandra Bullock won best actress in the academy awards-(yay). When she said in her acceptance speech, "Thanks to the moms who take care of the babies anc the children, no matter where they come from," I couldn't help but think of your sweet one-eyed dairy cow who accepted the little brown orphan. (Did the email attachment come through?)
I'm so sorry to hear this. The world just doesn't make sense sometimes.
I think it's important to let your friend know she's not alone. And it's crucial to continue to stay in touch long after the funeral.
Grief is a very individual process.
I think the most difficult time is about six months later, when all the paperwork is done, the casserole dishes returned, the thank you notes have been sent and life gets "back to normal" except, there's a new "normal". This is when friends really need to step up and be counted. Often.
My friend lost her husband a year ago, and she makes a point of calling two friends or family members every day, even if it's just for a few minutes.
My heart goes out to you, "Corymbia", truly.
It's nice to hear that someone is sorry for your loss, and that they care. It's also nice to hear a pleasant memory about your loved one...how he/she touched a life. As time goes by, send them a card...give them a call to let them know they are still in your heart.
I was in your position. A friend lost her son in a car accident. I was afraid to call her, but whenI did she asked me to go over and I went right away. When I got there she was waiting for me and she opened her arms and put them around me. I felt what I can only decribe as a form of electricity between us. I told her how sorry I was and she smiled and said, Just make me one promise...never stop talking about him. And I didn't and we never did. I spent the next few weeks being around her and her family and it was one of the most magical and awesom times in my life. That sounds strange, I know, but I was there for her to say whatever she wanted and to listen, sometimes to the silence and just share it with her. I know that when someone is lost, the ones left behind must be allowed to talk, nonstop if that's what they need. Don't ever just leave them alone. Do whatever is necessary and if you tell them you'll help...help. My friend loved to hear me tell her about her son, who was my son's friend. He was the sweetest young man you'd ever meet and I still miss him.
Let her talk to you about her husband, show her how you feel, don't try to hide your sadness, it helps her see others in pain. She can reach out and not get stuck inside herself.
To your friend, I send you my condolances from the other side of the world. When you have a chance to read these messages, take that energy and positive light and keep it for yourself, to get you through the hard times. Bush Babe has given you the world to share your grief with and we will.
Take care of yourself and know you are not alone. Show Babe how to help you and she will.
Love to both of you.
A woman I work with recently lost 5close family members in the course of 5 weeks...all very suddenly.
Listen if they want to talk.
Be there is they don't want to.
Surrounded by so much loss, she became the caregiver, and truly hasn't had a chance to morn as she is the 'rock' for so many others in her family.
Let them know it's okay to say 'no'. And that you won't take offense.
I think everything you're doing for your friend is exactly right. She knows she's not alone - and you are the best blogging buddy ever.
I'm sorry to hear of this loss and will say some prayers for Corymbia and her family.
There have been many wise things said here and I agree with the majority. Grieving is definitely an individual process. From my own experience (lost my dad when I was 11 and my mom when I was 17, both to cancer), I never liked someone to tell me "I know just how you feel". I believe a sincerce "I'm sorry", a hug, or just a listening ear are sufficient.
Listen and stay in touch is the best thing I found when I lost my fiancee many years ago.
That's very sad, I'm sorry to hear this. Being there for them and being sincere and listening, it all helps xx
Any 'from your heart' expressions will be greatly appreciated...just reading of her loss and your concern has helped me this morning...and my losses are years old already...your friend will need lots of love, silence, childrens laughter, understanding smiles and hugs, memories, even cyber-style...I will keep her in my prayers. One thing that really helped me was knowing that God DOES give us these heartbreaks so we remember to turn to HIM...hope this helps
God Bless Your Sweet Heart
Thank you BB and everyone else. I'm reading this through my tears and just knowing that people I've never met IRL care enough about me to write something makes me feel like the world is an OK place.
I will blog about my feelings at some point. ...but I'm still having trouble stringing two words together.
But I just wanted to let you know that your kindness means so much to me.
XXXXXXX
Amanda
She will need time to grieve but also to know that you are there for her. Very very sad.
This just breaks my heart BB
And like you, I can't even wrap my head around what your friend must be going through
Your thoughtfulness alone shows what a great friend you are to have
I hope she is surrounded by a blanket of love and support, and hopefully that may ease her pain
JT
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