Vignette #1: Are You My Mother?

I am calling this a vignette - one of two I will post in the next few hours. You will see why when the second arrives - if I'd tried to jam it all into one, it'd cause some sensory overload. Trust me.

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It's December - so that means it's hot, darned hot here and it also means that there is a serious influx of poddies and calving and babies around here.

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We have a miraculous poddy calf-foster mother setup going on near the house;

my little sister is very VERY close to giving birth to a new Paradise baby;

And my sister-in-law Curly will present my brother with their FOURTH child any day now.

(Yes, now you mention it, some kind of strange race appears to be going on.)

Basically it's some kind of set-up designed to make me clucky.

*fingers in ears*

LA LA LA LA!

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What? It's NOT all about me?

Oh...

Well, anyway, I promise to tweet any news I get from my dear sister (via a watchful Nana who is hovering nearby) but in the meantime...

I shall bring you cute.

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We spent today vaccinating some of our calves.

Like humans, calves need protection from various diseases that can be deadly.

The vaccine they get needs two doses, so they get one now and one at branding in January.

We muster, we sort cows from calves, and we treat the youngsters.

It means a fair bit of bellowing (from the separated Mamas)

and lots and lots of bovine cuteness.

Like this little guy...

He is only about two days old, has just arrived in the yards after a long walk from the paddock with a mob of about 80 cows and their calves. He's a bit dazed and thirsty and probably looking for a milk break...

...but he seems to be just a tad confused.

He sidles up to Mr Incredible (and his steed Cherokee) as they head to the trough for a well-earned drink of water...

Apparently our calf is under the impression my husband is his Mum...

Are You My Mother?

'You walk a little like her...

and she was here in front of me just a second ago...

hang on...'

'Was Mum wearing blue today?'

'Aaaaaaggghhh!!!'

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Kids... they never just pay enough attention!

Happy Little Vegemite: Streakers and Wormers?

I grew up with Vegemite as the major toast accompaniment at breakfast time. This doesn't make me special - pretty much every kid I know has eaten it at some stage of their life and at every daily meal.

From being thinly spread on rusks as babies, the traditional toast option at breakky, scraped on holey crackers to make squeeze-through 'worms' as schoolkids for smoko (my favourites were Vita-Wheat biccies), and even added to gravies for flavour at dinner.

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For those who aren't Aussie, and who didn't get to wake up with Vegemite's heavy salty flavour slathered over hot buttered toast, here are a couple of vital facts about this most Aussie of condiments.

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Some official vegemite facts:

- The spread was the brainchild of a Mr Fred Walker (who started the company which would become Kraft Foods) and fully developed by a serious scientist called Dr Cyril P Callister (whose impressive name evokes the image of some kind of cartoon hero) in the 1920s. So Fred and Cyril are responsible for our black gooey toast. Onya boys!

- It is a rich source of Vitamin B... and yes, it is basically made from leftover beer stuff. Talk about recycling! I feel totally green just talking about it!

- It was almost called 'Parwill' (to combat its major English rival - with the clever tag: if Marmite then Parwill). Luckily Fred saw the light and let a random Australian choose the final moniker in a competition - the winner's name is long lost but the entry is now firmly embedded in Aussie lore.

- The Happy Little Vegemites jingle (still in use today!) was first used in 1954 (see final clip on this post)

- It just tastes great... (as long as you like things a little salty!)

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In the interests of community education on black condiment use, I am also adding a 'how to' for the spreading of vegemite. According to my research (alright, I just whipped over to the official vegemite site) I am a streaker and a wormer.

Hey, this is a serious information blog.

So pay attention!

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First unscrew jar... allow aroma to work its way into your nostrils.

Your senses need to get used to that intense salty hit your tastebuds are about to experience! You need to give them a little warning...

Then grab some Sao biscuits (you can also use toast, English muffins or any kind of salt crackers). Now slather some butter on...

This in not time to be shy - butter and vegemite were born to be together!

Now load up your knife with the good black stuff... don't go silly with it, a good scrape is all you need.

Now apply ... my personal preference is for coverage with the butter still peeping through.

(According to the Vegemite website, that makes me a Streaker. My mother will be so proud!)

But if you are a beginner, go light. You can always add more later!

Now chomp... mmmmmm.

Expect salty and buttery...

(Note to self: Try not to eat the ENTIRE Sao before you finish explantion!)
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If you have survived a straight vegemite experience, I would also recommend some avocado on top of your Vegemite ... it's a meal, baby!

And before I leave, I give you one of the orginal Vegemite ads with that famous song...

It puts a ROSE in every CHEEEEEKK!!!

Up the Duff... do yourself a favour!

OK. Sorry. No, really.

I just don't think sometimes...

I quite forget that we speak a whole different lingo down here than that enunciated throughout the rest of the world's allegedly English-speaking civilisation...

And I used the words "Up the Duff".

My humblest apologies for springing that little corker on you unannounced.

*tugs forelock while backing away*

I need to hastily explain that I was not being shockingly rude ...

(really really sorry Debby, hope you didn't choke on somethin')

when I wished my sister a Happy Up the Duffness.

I was actually wishing her a good pregnancy.

Up the Duff = Pregnant.

In Oz anyway.

I made the Duff-ness bit up.

Thought it was cute.

Silly me.

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And being me, I shall now commence to pass on the blame for this whole fiasco to a certain Aussie comedian/artist/author (hell if someone can hang onto those three titles successfully, in the Land of the Tall Poppy, they deserve what's coming to them!).

Her name is Kaz Cooke.

(Kaz is Aussie for Karen, in case anyone is wondering. Still with me?)

And Kaz Cooke wrote a little old book about a decade ago that helped me (and a few gazillion other pregnant chicks) giggle their way through their nine months of an ever-expanding girth and terror of the end result.

The name of that ticklish tome?

Up the Duff.

In it Kaz unleashes her razor, warped Aussie wit (and kooky caricatures) to illustrate the various stages of pregnancy. The heroine is called Hermoine the Modern Girl who (coincidentally) finds herself pregnant. It's a riot. One line in particular sticks in my mind (eight years after reading it):

At this stage, your foetus resembles something like a crustacean made of snot.

Ah, it still tickles me.

This is Kaz.

Her caption under this photo on her website reads:

Absurdly flattering photograph of Kaz taken zillions of years ago.

Now she's quite ancient.

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How can you not love her?

She has also written this little publication aimed at helping women with all girly issues from their first period (or as we charmingly referred to 'it' at boarding school, The Rags) to the last. I suspect Hermoine is at it again for this book...

Kid Wrangling is another I suspect I might do well to invest in - Lord knows I needed a laugh tonight when I discovered Dash and Violet had concocted enough glue (i.e. plain flour and water) to put the Ark back together. And I reckon Girl Stuff (about all things adolescent female) might be handy as Violet rockets towards those teenage years. Even if I just throw it at the boys trying to climb in the bedroom windows!

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There are plenty of other riotous offerings (check her site out to see what tickles you) but this one caught my eye after a certain recent rant that took place on this blog.
I suspect Hermoine might not be a Botox fan...
but she is looking mighty perky here.
Hmmm... I shall just have to read it and get back to you.
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So there we go.
That's my excuse and I am sticking with it:
I'm an Aussie and I read Kaz Cooke.
I can be blamed for nothing.
:-)

A little terrorism humour

OK...I don't do this very often, but the following made me giggle.

And I reckon we could all do with a good giggle, what with all the economic crises casting their ugly shadows, our footy teams losing and personal challenges smacking us around.

It's from an anonymously penned email (definitely the brainstorm of an anonymous AUSSIE though) that arrived in my Inbox this morning.

It illustrates the laid-back-ness of my home country perfectly.

Not sure if it illustrates your home country - perhaps you can embellish?

(Personally I think it goes easy on the Yanks!)

So please grab your beverage of choice, put your happy hats on and enjoy.

Government's responses to Terrorism Alerts: the overview

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The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

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The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

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It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

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The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose". Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels . The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

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Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

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And at a local level... New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled".

There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the used of the final escalation level.

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Note: For my non-Aussie friends (if I have any left after this post!) I will go into the fully explanation of the Aussie barbecue (BBQ) at a later date.

Terrorism alerts permitting.

:-)

BB

PS If anyone from the aforementioned countries takes offence at the quoted email, please refer to this post to help you understand our strange and twisted humour. It's called 'taking the piss'. Or in the case of our dear neighbours, the Kiwis: 'taking the pus'.

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PPS I notice Canada has been left off this list - c'mon my Canuck comrades... see what you can offer to insert on behalf of your fine government...